I haven't been sleeping as early as I used to. So many things goes through my mind almost 24/7. Ever since that day, things changed so much so suddenly. And even at times, I don't know how to express that or explain to close people. It feels like I lost something, but at the same time gained something else. I know what I lost, but no idea what I gained, and since I don't know that, I'm thinking more what I lost. The feeling of losing hope in something about myself.
I try to seem to look okay, when in reality, I'm not. But I don't tell to many because I don't wanna worry others. Besides, I worry for ridiculous things. People out there suffer through worse things than me, so my needs aren't as needed as those. But still, I just want... Attention. Even though I don't like to get too much attention, I just want to be noticed. I wanna be appreciated for who I am and support me during this change in my life that I got used to for 305 days. (Not even a year, haha) I know I need to fix myself more and more. And I try. May not be for the person I cared anymore, so I'm doing it for myself, in hoping of someone to notice me... And to be appreciated.
But first, I need to appreciate myself before others can. Easier said than done. I still can't forgive myself from what I did. I fear that it'll never happen, fear that I won't get another chance to shine because of my lack of confidence in myself. I pray to God every day since that day, to help me change physically and mentally. I know I can't do this alone and I depend on God for help. But I too want someone to watch me grow and become better. I don't wanna be alone... I want someone to understand me without judging me.
