Writing is coping. So feel free to know my mind a little more.

This is where I write what makes me feel in a mood!


Getting noticed by the person you want is extremely hard. I see others do it so easily, but it's all rocket science for me! The way others handle when they get noticed are like professionals, and they seem to get what they want. Man, I wish I could be like that! But, it never goes for me like that when I do get noticed. 


Those rare moments I get noticed, well... I'm not treated right. But why? Is it how I look? How I talk? The way how I approach the person? I still don't understand why. They don't even take me seriously. I get treated like a little kid, or just ignores me afterwards like nothing happened. Moments like that is what drives me away from human interaction. So the next thing to do is online dating, right? It's much better than human interaction? Ha ha ha!! *sigh*


I tried so many services, and I didn't get a single interaction there at all. Okay, maybe bots, but I thought I was gonna get interactions there, but I never did! I used Tinder, Met Me, Bumble, Facebook Dating, and not a single match. Is it my profile? My pictures? My bio? I have no idea, and at this point, I don't care. It hurts me knowing that I'm not worthy of being noticed. Seeing others getting matched as soon as they join, but me with those accounts for over a year and no luck at all. 


So here I am, not knowing what to do. And still scarred by my last relationship and everything what she told me. I told her about my experience, and she told me the biggest lies. "You should've hit me up! I would definitely give you a chance!" And "I would've matched with you on those sites, damn!" No you wouldn't, because you'd leave me! *sigh*


I don't know, I just want to be noticed, that's all. And for me to be treated as well like a normal person and not like a weirdo, or a child. I get looked down very often and it hurts me not getting a proper chance. I... I... Just give me a chance to shine, despite my shyness and awkwardness...


I thought they were supposed to make you feel good about yourself, especially from other people. In reality for me, I HATE being complimented. When people compliment me, I just say thank you, or whatever that's polite. But hell no, I don't buy what they say... *sigh*


At least I'll accept from strangers, or people that I'm not too close with. They're the only ones who sees me without any bias, and are more honest. Those types of compliments are actual compliments and I take those more serious. 


When family compliments me... It's a mixed bag. It feels like they at times don't be honest and just tell me just so I don't feel bad about myself. They probably know that I'm not very good looking, or well dressed, so they just be nice to me just to make me and my mom feel good, even though I know the truth. What truth? Well...


People that I used to be close to... they're the ones who are the most honest... but telling me otherwise. They will tell me the best compliments I've ever heard. My eyes, my looks, my personality, everything that I never thought to be complimented! Makes me feel so special, like I'm a person worth being with!... Right? All is too good to be true, they show me the opposite. Those same reasons is why they leave me for someone else, or isn't happy to be with me. So everything what they said about me wasn't true? Was all that just lies to make me happy? Then why not being honest with me? They left me a bad stain, more like a mental scar. (Paranoid?) Just sugar-coated lies.


I don't understand why they will tell me all those things only for me to be feeling the opposite. From those moments onwards, I never want to be complimented ever again. I hate it, and I don't want to be convinced either until I see it in action. 


"the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way."

That's the definition from a Google search. And ever since I lost those reasons, my performance in stuff that I used to be good at has decreased. I'm no longer as good as I used to be. Especially in Smash where I would win, or when I lost, I would actually learn from my mistakes. But for some reason, I just can't win and learn from my mistakes when losing. I've lost... Motivation.


I feel so emotionally drained, and empty overall. No reason to keep continuing to get better. I remember so vividly that when my past significant other will cheer me on and root for me in battles, I could feel the emotions, and thus making me better in the fight. Wether I win or lose, the fact that I got support from someone I cared meant a lot to me and encouraged me to be better!... Now that's all gone, I got nothing. No support, no "good job" or "you'll get him next time". Anything, but no... I'm on my own. Just me.


Oh, how empty it feels. Never thought this feeling would greatly affect my performance in my Smash career. Losing and losing, not winning any matches, makes me feel like I'm just gonna suck for the rest of my life. For a small portion, a former pupil of mine once cheered for me. That alone made some impact on my performance, but my pupil had to leave for classified reasons. The pupil's departure once again affected me. And back go square one.


What happened to my self motivation I used to have? Why did I have to become dependent on others? Am I being unhealthy? I just want some affection... And love... Someone to care about me and take care of me. But one can't always have what they want.


I'm nobody to tell how to live life. I'm nobody to make choices for. I'm nobody to give an opinion.


That's all I am, a nobody. Always had, and always will be. Nothing I do or say means anything. Perhaps it's for the best.


Things aren't always made to last. Objects, expensinve stuff, phones, anything really. What hurts the most is a person's bond and interest. Especially if that person meant a lot to you. That's the most painful thing to lose. It was something I never thought I'd lose because of how sure I was, but that was all an illusion. Something I just wanted to believe so badly because of my past. But everything faded away. How I miss that feeling...


From the beginning, she showed heavy interest in me. Very flirty, and showed that she wanted my company. It was all strange for me because I almost never got that kind of attention, but I liked her back. I went for her. Our bond grew and grew by the day. Then that one night, we had our first kiss. I felt something special. Something that I never felt before, but it felt amazing! Is that what love is? The love of another person because of how I am? It felt like that was it. Am I gonna settle with her? I prayed that I do!


After we became official, it seemed like a fantasy. Something that shouldn't happen in real life. But it was! She gave me the attention I wanted, and it felt so good! Of course I returned the favor. It was all a dream come true! She would tell me how underappreciated I was, and how she would hit me up if she was in the situations of the stories I told her. For once, someone is giving me a chance. And I didn't want to lose her, so I really returned the favor!


Towards the middle of the relationship, I noticed some things that were changing. And not the good kind. She would stop trying to look her best, but she was just kinda upset because of the pandemic. So I tried to cheer her up, but was it really working? She stopped showing me interest, but it was just a flirty period, she said. "I still love you!", she would say that once in a while though. I thought she was upset because what's happening in the world, so I thought just making her happy even more was gonna solve this. That's what I thought. 


Approaching the last days of the relationship, we would agrue more and more. She gave up trying to look good, wouldn't want to give me affection, and began to ignore me more. She would make fun of me of the things she would praise me in the beginning. When that fateful day happened, everything crumbled. She revealed to me that she wasn't happy the entire time. She acted all that since the middle of our relationship. She rarely told me that she loved me because she stopped loving me a long time ago, and here I was thinking that she did... Like a fool. 


So that brings me the question: what she said about me ture at first, and became a lie afterwards? Like her feelings towards me faded away? If so, what was the point of the relationship? What was I then? That bond was gone and I didn't even notice because how well she hid it. I tried to make her happy, but I failed. And then she leaves, like nothing happned. I don't miss her, but I miss the memories, the bond, the emotions behind. But all is now gone and I'm left with nothing... God is all I have, and He's forever, and that should be enough for me.