No More

Song in question of the entry:

Aún - song and lyrics by Belanova | Spotify

Reflecting on Past Relationships: Insecurities and Growth

Am I going crazy? Why do I still think about her after everything what happened? It's not that I miss her, but do I?

I had no romantic experience prior of dating her. My first relationship went down very bad, and didn't even get the "proper" experience. Mostly what we did is that I took her to the movies, and ate. At school, we just held hands and played games during lunch. Basically the bare minimum. We didn't even kiss! After the breakup, I acted all immature (which I still regret to this day!) and very salty. But quickly got over her because in retrospective, the relationship wasn't all that and I overreacted... A bit too much... But I didn't give up! I still went forth and searched for love.

That's when she shows up. I'll refer to her as K. I've gained a bit more experience, but still not enough. But I went on and was honest about it with her. Her response wasn't what I expected... that she finds it... cute? Me?! CUTE??!! I felt relieved but at the same time confused. I always thought that women want a man with more experience, and I felt very insecure about it. It was a good thing that I told her! It also made me feel good... And a bit after we confessed our mutual attraction, she started to tease me. Like making fun of me in a playful way. I guess embarrassing me? But she would then clear my insecurities and comfort me. Could it be? She likes me the way I am...? I couldn't believe it myself, but I gladly took her compliments and thank her.

During our talking phase, it felt like we were already a couple! Everything felt like it was going smooth! Too smooth... But I was very happy and excited how far our relationship could flourish! I also felt very nervous because K was going to be my second girlfriend. But the insecurities came back. Like I did at the beginning of our talking phase, I told her that I could be very clingy. Like extremely clingy! It's like a piece of gum stuck under a shoe type of cling. The first ex actually hated that, so I was scared that K would feel the same. Once again, K cleared my insecurities and told me that she liked that I'm clingy. She made me feel so free! For once, I didn't feel scared to show my emotions to her! I tried to show it all through text.

It wasn't really a long distance relationship, but K lived at the bigger city around 50 miles away from my small city in a different state. Plus, I've already known her before, so she wasn't really a stranger. But still, we live far apart, so texting was our best way to communicate. And text we did! We would text all day, despite how busy our schedule would get. I would always find time to text her, and would apologize if I didn't respond in a while. I would tell her that I won't be able to respond often before I do something that I wouldn't be able to text her. But still, I felt bad! And... SHE WOULD DO THE SAME FOR ME!!! MY HEART!! That woman was really the best! We would do all kinds of things! Including role play... Not gonna go into details, but all I'll say, she made me feel like I was desirable. Like she really wanted me. It was a feeling I didn't know it existed, and made me fall for her even more.

Our texts evolved into late night calls. And from there, my feelings for changed. We would talk about meaning of life, hearing to her sweet voice about her opinions and her passions, just AAAAAAA! Knowing her in a more intimate level. I felt good getting her trust. It made me feel like we already an unofficial couple! We would play online games together, share funny, or sad, or random memories. Talk about anything really! Felt like we would never run out of topics to talk about! We would talk all night long. We would talk until one of us fell asleep. And even after one of us slept, we would let the call go on. Almost as if we were sleeping together... And then the following morning, I would be the first to wake up because I had school at the time. But before I start my day, I would have to hang up unfortunately. But every morning, I would write her a message so when she wakes up, I would remind her how much she meant to me, and that I will continue to cherish our relationship. And she would reply back to me basically the same thing. My heart fluttered! I really couldn't believe it! Was she really the one!? For once I feel unstoppable. I felt like I hit the jackpot.

Finally, that day arrived. Our first in-person date! I was really nervous, but super excited! I couldn't wait to see her and hug her as tight as I could. (Or at least not to squeeze her guts out, lol) But I'd have to drive to the big city myself. I never did that before, so the long drive over there in itself was scary. But I went on because I wanted to see her more than anything! Before the drive, I got her a big bear plush to give her! After the drive, I've arrived. Just as I thought, she was beautiful as ever! Our our way back to the small city, we arrived at the mall. At the parking lot, I nervously asked her if I could hold her hand. Her response was priceless, and quickly held my hand. Her hand was so cold, but soft to the touch. I thought to myself, this is crazy! She's mine?! We had dinner at the mall, I got myself a sandwich, and I got her Chinese food. After that, we walked around the mall, until we stumbled across a photobooth. We went in, and... It finally happened! I had my first kiss! She forced the kiss on me, but... I liked that. I like that she kissed me. I was blushing the entire time, and liked how K teased me about it. After that though, we went to get coffee. She really wanted to get a pumpkin spice latte, so I got her that. While we were enjoying a coffee, we played a couple of games on the Nintendo Switch. But... she sat on my lap and just started playing. Her weight against me... It felt so good. I held on to her hips, and I felt like I... I felt good. We played until the end of the game, and headed to the park. The park was dark, and we hid in the darkest part of the park. From there, we laid on the grass and talked for a bit. It got a little cold and we cuddled. After a while, she gets on top of me, and we started to make out! I COULD NOT BELIVE IT!! I WANTED TO SCREAM! I felt like I was really desirable! She was willing to fight for me! I felt like I was for once... Worthy.

After that date, I felt like a new man. It really meant a lot to me and will forever remember it! Until that fateful night. She tells me that she would return back to her ex. I felt so defeated. Devastated. All the emotions that I had suddenly crashing down. My newly found confidence, gone. I felt so horrible. What I thought was a dream quickly turned into a nightmare. I cried many nights, refusing to believe that it happened. But it did. I had no control over it. I had no saying, I had no choice. The dream was no more. And I had to move on. The days after never felt the same. Everything that I loved doing, the activities we did, no more a thing. I really missed her. A lot.

Years went on, and I still cry. But, not for her. I realized the reason why I still cry is because I miss those feelings. I miss being in love, I miss the small details about it. I miss feeling good about myself. I found out the hard way with my recent ex, I'll call her A, that I don't need the love of a woman to feel better about myself. The only one who can do that is myself. But I still struggle loving myself. My self esteem is still at a low, especially since the people I thought were special showed me that I'm replaceable. I don't matter. I belong in the trash, For years I've felt that way. With A, it didn't feel like that initially, but after some months, she made me feel like I didn't matter to her. No idea why she pretended to care for me. But I'm the idiot for not seeing it sooner.

And now, here I am documenting my current emotions. Sure, I'm not in the same place I was before, but... I just want that feeling again. To feel like I'm desirable, wanted, cherished, etc. In order to do that, it needs to come from me first. I need to love myself. I still have yet to find reasons why. But for now, I have to fight my intrusive thoughts. I have to fight myself, and embrace who I am. But who am I?

Note From the Past

I saw this old writing I had in my Google Drive from 8-28-19. 

So it has been nine months since my last heartbreak. It was really though, and hard to accept. Felt like my world was ending. No point of trying again. Throughout time, I've healed. I prayed to God for guidance and showed me many things. I've learned so many things about myself. And most importantly, I'm still here with a small glimpse of hope. I shouldn't give up looking for my princess. People make it look easy. For me however, it's hard as hell. I have no idea how, but that's just how it works for me. But God said not to be scared. It's hard to not be scared when I see the storm raging around me. That storm almost knocked me out. I have learned how to deal with it somewhat. Now I have no options left for me. I don't know if I should keep trying, or just wait. I still have a lot more stuffs that I wonder. For now, I'm alive and learned new things.

So now I wanna add an update to that old entry:

Update on 9-29-23

It's been better I guess but life still sucks, lmao.

No idea that my heartbreak will be even worse after the first time. But it was my own fault this time. I knew it wasn't gonna happen, but I was stubborn and refused to let go what it was essentially a dead dream. I really wanted it to work, but guess God had other plans. 

I can't blame her this time, it was all my fault. I did that idiotic move, and paid the price for it. I deserve that punishment. But at the same time, I shouldn't be harsh on myself for making that mistake. I let my emotions take over. My logical side warned me about it, and even other people too, but I ignored them all. Now I fully regret it and wish I can take back my wasted time, effort, tears, etc. But again, it was all my decision. Man, I am stupid.

I'm just emotinally exhausted. I should rest instead. uwu

Unrealistic Fantasy

Prehaps it was too good to be true. 

When I first met her, I thought she was amazing, a friend I can vent out to, being myself, honest, and overall comfortable. While she was initially just there for support after my first ex broke up with me, she comforted me, assured me that things will get better. It was really sweet of her. Our friendship will flourish after knowing each other more. I opened up myself to her besides being the boy from crying from an ex, to being able to be a close friend. 

The fact that she loves to play video games, talk about them. And also having interest in anime, I had a liking towards her. The cherry on top is that she is a believer of Jesus Christ. Would put God first, and was saving sex for marrige. I was absolutley astonished by it because I was (and still am) doing the same thing! But that was all just surface level, she was also brave, open minded, had lots of creativity, a passion for art, and overall easygoing, and friendly. The more I thought of her, the more I realized, she could've been the one! 

She told me that I was also similar to what she wanted in a man, but I found it baffling because I couldn't believe it myself. She made me feel... Good. For the first time in my life, she made me feel strong, desireable, a level of excitement I never felt! Like if it was more exciting than the release of a new Smash Brothers game! It was a rush of adrenaline knowing that a crush liked me back. Not just an ordinary crush, dare I say, the woman of my dreams! It felt so magical, like almost fantasy-like!... But...

All that crashed and burned after she told me that she was going back with her ex. That I wasn't like him, she said. Knowing her ex, he is abusive, didn't treat her right, and would do the worst things to her. I didn't do anything to convince her to not. But instead, I acted so immature, and spread gossip of her. Looking back at my actions, I truly feel ashamed. But it happened. The level of jealousy I never felt. It felt unfair, felt weak, undesired, and was very mad, all the same time. But my feelings is no excuse of my actions, but I acted accordinglt to my feelings. That's a lesson I had to learn hard.

Three years later, she reached out to me after a breakup with an ex of mine at the time. I found it strange because why would she reach out to me after what she's done? But I responded, and apologized for what I did. We then talked four hours, and caught up with each other in life. That's how I found out she didn't wait for marrige. I wanted to throw up. But little did I know, that was the beginning of my views for her changes for the worse, but most importantly, how I should've respected myself. 

The more I was talking to her, the harder began to fall fer her again, and that was unhealthy of me. But I ignored the red flags she was displaying. She was... ugh.

She was:

-Hypocritical

She would always complain about how men are garbage and all that shit, yet she slept with those type of men she rants about, now being pregnant. Definition of the more you fuck around, the more you'll find out. Literally and figuratively. 

-Narcissistic

Always being so self centered, and claimed to hate attention, yet she would always start unnecessary drama. Always about herself.

-Abusive

She abused one of the many guys she slept with for attention, and as revenge. To which I was part of, but only because I had the unhealthy obssesion of her.

-Manipulative

Same with her past lover, she would also convince him to do things he didn't want, only benefiting her.

The most disgusting thing of her is that she no longer is the woman I fell in love at the beginning. She no longer loves God, she slept with every guy she went with, and turned like her first abusive partner. She is long gone, and no way in hell she's coming back.

After realizing all that, it was my wakeup call. She has turned for the worse, and I shouldn't waste my energy on her. She don't desrve my tears, my mental energy, and my overall emotional state. Losing myself would be the worst outcome.

So I was correct, she was too good to be true. around her, I felt so many negative things about myself, and that's my fault for trying to be part of her life again. On top of what my ex said about me, doesn't help at all. So much I need to do to love myself again. I just... *sigh*

Baby Name

Baby fever running wild lately. Especially around town, it's more common to have an unplanned pregnancy! I however, have a plan whenever I do have an offspring of my own. I did say this on my Facebook profile a couple of times, but I think I'm just record it here so I won't sound like a broken record anymore. 

I have been wanting a daughter for some reason. I don't know why, it's a feeling that I have about her eventual existence. She's gonna be a great woman someday! What's crazier is that I already decided on a name for her. Her name is gonna be... Unique in a way.

But first, let me y'all introduce you to a favorite childhood game of mine. Played it for the first time on the Nintendo GameCube back in 2002 or 2003. (I was still a young child!) My uncle bought two games for it, one was The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker. But he didn't let me play it because I was too young to even understand the game. So he let me play the other game: Super Monkey Ball. That game got me hooked for hours! The game was easy to understand and play, even for a small child like how I was. 

As I grew older, I had a better understanding of how the game worked, and managed to find ways to manipulate the physics to my advantage. The game has so much layer of strategy, and more secrets are still being discovered! But one day, I got more curious of the game's development history. So I did research. I found a discovery that would basically set a path.

I learned that Super Monkey Ball is actually an enhanced port of the arcade game, Monkey Ball! The "super" in the GameCube version is indeed that! Compared to the arcade and console versions, the difference is night and day. But the arcade original still plays exactly as the console version. What's crazy is there was gonna be a console port originally for the SEGA Dreamcast. That plan was then abandoned due to the failure of the system, and the company's transition to become a third party developer. But not wanting to fully abandon the project, it was instead ported to the GameCube. GameCube had more power capabilities than the Dreamcast, so they might as well improve the graphics! 

As I did further research, I also learned that the Dreamcast had similar hardware to the Monkey Ball arcade hardware. What caught me by surprise, the arcade hardware actually had a name! What is it? New Arcade Operating Machine Idea. Or simply, NAOMI... Naomi. I like that name. It strikes me. Feels catchy, and not a very common name. The name left me a bigger impression than it really is. I also think it's cute to name a girl with. So... I basically went on with it.

I then did further research on the arcade system, and learned that other favorite games of mine also ran on the NAOMI system! 18 Wheelers, Crazy Taxi, Capcom vs SNK 2, and Marvel vs Capcom 2. Those games alone sold me. That's the moment that I decided to go with that name. Naomi! 

Many people name their children after family members, but my daughter will be named after an arcade hardware. That's what I meant by unique. Until then, it's just a dream of mine. But I know it'll happen someday! God is good, and He will give me the opportunity when the time is right.

Can't wait to hold little Naomi in my hands.