Metapod, use Harden

I don't want the thought that I made a mistake.
It's my battle anyway... She never cared And suddenly she shows up? Nah dude. Go away.
The whole time I've been fighting myself and she wants to "help" or probably nag at me for what l've been saying about her.
Yeah, I may have said harsh things, l've been reacting without thinking.
And I'm sorry that I talked bad. And I'm a fucking hypocrite because I go to church and pretend to be a good Christian boy. But behind the scenes I'm a big judgmental asshole.
And that's the issue. I'm my worst enemy.
All the things that l've said about her was out of jealousy.
Feeling angry and sad at the same time and I didn't know how to cope the fact that I lost what I thought was the girl of my dreams.

This isn't a healthy jealousy, dude. I'm seeing that.
I admit that I'm still jealous.
I need to swallow my own pride and face the truth. She was never meant to be mine. I need to let go of that idea.
But it's ridiculous that I'm still not over it despite that it happened a little over seven years ago.
That's why I don't want to talk to her. It's my battle. She showed me from the beginning she never cared.
So I'm doing exactly that. None of her business to know what I'm doing. I'll eventually end this fight with myself somehow...

And hopefully move on for once in my life.
Crying almost every night for her, and for what? Seeing myself turn into someone that I swore l'd never become?
I don't want to be that. I'm truly sorry. I want to be left alone, but at the same time I don't. If that makes any sense.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

I did the complete opposite of that.

I was not patient. I was not kind. I was envious, and boasted about it. I was proud. I dishonored her. I was seeking for myself. I was easily angered. I kept records of her wrongs.

I need to follow my own example, and I failed at it miserably. I'm sorry for my hypocrisy.
I promise I'll learn from this and be a better person.
I see why I never deserved her. I wasn't ready this whole time. I'm still immature. Dumb. No idea how to control my emotions. If you want to do something, just pray. Or don't. I must learn to rely on God. It's my battle after all.

I use this website to document my feelings and share it in hopes of talking to someone about it. And at the same time trying to learn about myself and have a better understanding of my own emotions. I'm hoping I'm achieving it. I want to grow as a person. Be ready for God and prepare the blessings he has for me.

Truly I'm sorry. But I want to be left alone with me, myself, God, and I.