Am I going crazy? Why do I still think about her after everything what happened? It's not that I miss her, but do I?
I had no romantic experience prior of dating her. My first relationship went down very bad, and didn't even get the "proper" experience. Mostly what we did is that I took her to the movies, and ate. At school, we just held hands and played games during lunch. Basically the bare minimum. We didn't even kiss! After the breakup, I acted all immature (which I still regret to this day!) and very salty. But quickly got over her because in retrospective, the relationship wasn't all that and I overreacted... A bit too much... But I didn't give up! I still went forth and searched for love.
That's when she shows up. I'll refer to her as K. I've gained a bit more experience, but still not enough. But I went on and was honest about it with her. Her response wasn't what I expected... that she finds it... cute? Me?! CUTE??!! I felt relieved but at the same time confused. I always thought that women want a man with more experience, and I felt very insecure about it. It was a good thing that I told her! It also made me feel good... And a bit after we confessed our mutual attraction, she started to tease me. Like making fun of me in a playful way. I guess embarrassing me? But she would then clear my insecurities and comfort me. Could it be? She likes me the way I am...? I couldn't believe it myself, but I gladly took her compliments and thank her.
During our talking phase, it felt like we were already a couple! Everything felt like it was going smooth! Too smooth... But I was very happy and excited how far our relationship could flourish! I also felt very nervous because K was going to be my second girlfriend. But the insecurities came back. Like I did at the beginning of our talking phase, I told her that I could be very clingy. Like extremely clingy! It's like a piece of gum stuck under a shoe type of cling. The first ex actually hated that, so I was scared that K would feel the same. Once again, K cleared my insecurities and told me that she liked that I'm clingy. She made me feel so free! For once, I didn't feel scared to show my emotions to her! I tried to show it all through text.
It wasn't really a long distance relationship, but K lived at the bigger city around 50 miles away from my small city in a different state. Plus, I've already known her before, so she wasn't really a stranger. But still, we live far apart, so texting was our best way to communicate. And text we did! We would text all day, despite how busy our schedule would get. I would always find time to text her, and would apologize if I didn't respond in a while. I would tell her that I won't be able to respond often before I do something that I wouldn't be able to text her. But still, I felt bad! And... SHE WOULD DO THE SAME FOR ME!!! MY HEART!! That woman was really the best! We would do all kinds of things! Including role play... Not gonna go into details, but all I'll say, she made me feel like I was desirable. Like she really wanted me. It was a feeling I didn't know it existed, and made me fall for her even more.
Our texts evolved into late night calls. And from there, my feelings for changed. We would talk about meaning of life, hearing to her sweet voice about her opinions and her passions, just AAAAAAA! Knowing her in a more intimate level. I felt good getting her trust. It made me feel like we already an unofficial couple! We would play online games together, share funny, or sad, or random memories. Talk about anything really! Felt like we would never run out of topics to talk about! We would talk all night long. We would talk until one of us fell asleep. And even after one of us slept, we would let the call go on. Almost as if we were sleeping together... And then the following morning, I would be the first to wake up because I had school at the time. But before I start my day, I would have to hang up unfortunately. But every morning, I would write her a message so when she wakes up, I would remind her how much she meant to me, and that I will continue to cherish our relationship. And she would reply back to me basically the same thing. My heart fluttered! I really couldn't believe it! Was she really the one!? For once I feel unstoppable. I felt like I hit the jackpot.
Finally, that day arrived. Our first in-person date! I was really nervous, but super excited! I couldn't wait to see her and hug her as tight as I could. (Or at least not to squeeze her guts out, lol) But I'd have to drive to the big city myself. I never did that before, so the long drive over there in itself was scary. But I went on because I wanted to see her more than anything! Before the drive, I got her a big bear plush to give her! After the drive, I've arrived. Just as I thought, she was beautiful as ever! Our our way back to the small city, we arrived at the mall. At the parking lot, I nervously asked her if I could hold her hand. Her response was priceless, and quickly held my hand. Her hand was so cold, but soft to the touch. I thought to myself, this is crazy! She's mine?! We had dinner at the mall, I got myself a sandwich, and I got her Chinese food. After that, we walked around the mall, until we stumbled across a photobooth. We went in, and... It finally happened! I had my first kiss! She forced the kiss on me, but... I liked that. I like that she kissed me. I was blushing the entire time, and liked how K teased me about it. After that though, we went to get coffee. She really wanted to get a pumpkin spice latte, so I got her that. While we were enjoying a coffee, we played a couple of games on the Nintendo Switch. But... she sat on my lap and just started playing. Her weight against me... It felt so good. I held on to her hips, and I felt like I... I felt good. We played until the end of the game, and headed to the park. The park was dark, and we hid in the darkest part of the park. From there, we laid on the grass and talked for a bit. It got a little cold and we cuddled. After a while, she gets on top of me, and we started to make out! I COULD NOT BELIVE IT!! I WANTED TO SCREAM! I felt like I was really desirable! She was willing to fight for me! I felt like I was for once... Worthy.
After that date, I felt like a new man. It really meant a lot to me and will forever remember it! Until that fateful night. She tells me that she would return back to her ex. I felt so defeated. Devastated. All the emotions that I had suddenly crashing down. My newly found confidence, gone. I felt so horrible. What I thought was a dream quickly turned into a nightmare. I cried many nights, refusing to believe that it happened. But it did. I had no control over it. I had no saying, I had no choice. The dream was no more. And I had to move on. The days after never felt the same. Everything that I loved doing, the activities we did, no more a thing. I really missed her. A lot.
Years went on, and I still cry. But, not for her. I realized the reason why I still cry is because I miss those feelings. I miss being in love, I miss the small details about it. I miss feeling good about myself. I found out the hard way with my recent ex, I'll call her A, that I don't need the love of a woman to feel better about myself. The only one who can do that is myself. But I still struggle loving myself. My self esteem is still at a low, especially since the people I thought were special showed me that I'm replaceable. I don't matter. I belong in the trash, For years I've felt that way. With A, it didn't feel like that initially, but after some months, she made me feel like I didn't matter to her. No idea why she pretended to care for me. But I'm the idiot for not seeing it sooner.
And now, here I am documenting my current emotions. Sure, I'm not in the same place I was before, but... I just want that feeling again. To feel like I'm desirable, wanted, cherished, etc. In order to do that, it needs to come from me first. I need to love myself. I still have yet to find reasons why. But for now, I have to fight my intrusive thoughts. I have to fight myself, and embrace who I am. But who am I?
