Forget

I try to get myself distracted with other things to forget her. Lately I've been trying to focus more on improving the church, playing lots of Fortnite, and practicing bass again!

But dude... Out of nowhere I hear information about her... And I'm like bruh. 

I'm noticing I do have an audience, and thank you. But at times, please don't tell me what she up to. I don't wanna know because it gets me emotional. For their privacy, I'm not revealing my sources, but the thing is, I don't even ask. The info gets to me. 💀

I'm trying to forget, (or at least not think about it as much as I'm doing lol) not to catch up like if it was a novela. 😭

It's nice to have connections, but there are times that I wish info doesn't get spread too quickly. 😅

Though, I know you read this. Please be careful who you tell, because my connections is bigger than what I thought. 😔

Salty

I'm just gonna send do a voice memo and then hopefully the captions do get it correctly and I'll just copy and paste it.

I don't know anymore but anyway yeah I'm salty about it.

I'm still salty about it.

And I don't think I'll ever get over it.

I know I've said this multiple times but I'm being for real this time.

Instead of fighting it, I think it's better off to just embrace it.

No longer hide it, even though I'm not really hiding it, but yeah.

I'm still mad about it.

I still cry about it.

I'm still sad about it.

I still cry for her, even though she never cared, at least from my perspective, it seemed like she never cared. And yet like I pretend not to care, but I still care I still cry about it and I know it's ridiculous at this point.

I know it's ridiculous.

I know I'm being stupid.

I know I'm being... I guess in a way, selfish because I'm putting myself first. But how could I not feel like that when she made me feel special for once and like something I didn't know I wanted.

To me she was really the dream girl.

She was exactly who I dreamed of to be with. Down to the minute detail, like... she was too good to be true. And whoever the guy is she's with, he is so lucky.

He is so lucky and I hope he treats her well I hope he takes care of that child.

I know I did bad things to her too though out of my own pitiness.

I know... you know... how would I even I don't even know what's the word about it, but because I feel I don't know anymore.

How do I even say this?

It's just ... I just know he's lucky, that's all I know.

He's lucky.

And yeah, because I did those bad things too, after she left me, which I still regret to this day and even still somewhat, you know, a couple of years ever since as well .

I thought this whole time just like, oh, you know what?

Thinking negatively about the thing will make me help move on and it really didn't.

It really didn't.

And it just kind of made things even worse pretending that I didn't care.

But this entire time I still care.

So I just want to probably use this opportunity to apologize.

I'm still not over it.

Probably never will. Because literally the girl of my dreams just vanishes out of thin air.

And I know, I can't force her to love me if she wants to love other people, that's fine , even though I'm not fine about it, but who cares about me right?

Who cares?

Who cares about me?

I just hope she's okay.

I hope she's happy.

I'll move on on my own I don't know how I'm gonna do it but I'll be okay right?

That's what God said.

I'll be okay.

I'm trying not to be too loud because everyone is sleeping as I'm recording this.

But yeah, I probably deserve this fate for be speaking bad about it.

I just wanted...

I want to feel better about myself, but no, even that didn't work.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm so sorry.

I think it's I think I don't know if I'm really doing the right choice right now but I think just admitting to my own feelings admitting to my own defeat. Admitting that I really haven't moved on. Expose myself, like just admit that I'm not as strong as I want to be.

I'm not as strong as I hope to be.

I'm not as strong as I want people to see me as, but none of that is working.

I just hope I can move on... and wanna... I don't know anymore.

I just.

I'm not asking for you to feel petty for me.

I mean like I said I from my perspective, you never seem to care and that's completely understandable because it is not your concern.

It's mine.

It's a skill issue of mine and the only one to who can fix that is myself but I really want God to help me on this because I know I can't do with my own strength .

I just thought admitting to my own defeat my own weakness is just a proper way to hopefully at least a small step into moving on.

I'm still sorry about it.

I have been so immature still.

I'm probably still immature

I am not emotionally stable.

I'm not emotionally... like I'm not emotionally mature. I'm a mess, but it's whatever right because that's my concern. So don't worry about it even though you never did I don't know how to say it, but it's just.

I don't know I just I'm probably just rambling at this point and then yeah um I'll move on.

I hope I pray to God. This has been the hardest battle of my life.

If she doesn't care how at least I know God does.

I know God does care and he has had my back, but this entire time I've been ignoring Him. Still clinging on into a fantasy that was never meant to be. But really I should have been seeking God's kingdom. Not revenge or stupid things that have been writing about the past , but really I have nobody to talk about it so I'm mostly just write how I feel in these entries and I'm surprised that some of you guys even read it  but nobody even bothers to check on me but that's okay though. I just write just because I want to document my feelings maybe look back onto them and just reflect how bad I was as a person. I know I'm not a good person never was, probably never will, but I promise I'll learn from my mistakes. I'll correct my mistakes and I pray I never repeat them again.

I do want to be better but probably what I've been doing was probably not it.

I'll still continue to write, but yeah, next time I will be more careful what I write what I say and even if I hurt people, I'm still sorry about it.

Yeah.

Princess

   One of my favorite things about The Legend of Zelda is the relationship between Link and the princess. Probably my favorite portrayal is in Skyward Sword. In that game, I like how Zelda was very flirtatious with Link. And Link was the obedient puppy towards her. Zelda was very extroverted while Link remained very introverted. It’s honestly one of my favorite aspects about that relationship. For years, I’ve always wanted something like that. I love the idea of how the knight would always protect his princess. Serving his princess, making her wishes a command. Then in return, the princess will show him a lot of love.

   With K, I kinda experienced that fantasy. I liked being her knight. I saw her as my princess. I would do anything to be with her, to protect her, to make sure she was happy. She was the extroverted one and I was the introverted one. Exactly like Link and Zelda in Skyward Sword. I couldn’t been so much happier. I kept praying and hoped that it wasn’t too good to be true... But it obviously was.

   That’s when she left me. I felt so defeated. I felt like I failed to save my princess and the evil guy took her away from me. There was nothing I could do. All I could do was cry. As he took her away from me, he also took my dreams, my everything. 

   But for some reason, I tried again years later. I was being desperate to be with her. I thought it was gonna be official for once. But obviously it didn’t work out at all. She went on to be sleeping with other people and got pregnant. That was the final nail in the coffin. A point of no return. And just like that, the fantasy is officially dead. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this and I know no matter how much I cry, it will never bring it back. Even though it’s been years, I still cannot get over it and I accept that I’ll probably never will. It’ll remain as a scar that will never go away. A reminder of what not to do again: to fall for someone that deeply.

   I learned that moving on is not about forgetting. It's about healing. But to be honest, I don't know how to heal or how long it'll take. All I know right now is that it still hurts and I still remember as if it happened yesterday. But I now accept that I will never forget how she made me feel the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'll probably never get over this and that's fine at this point. I accept it. It's been years and the fact that I still cry about it probably means that I'm not really OK when it comes to these type of stuff. Never been good at it either so it was like does that really make a difference? I don't know anymore. It's whatever at this point. I'll get bored of this eventually, right? I'mm just rambling at this point. 

Priority

We're always on our phones. We have it with us all the time.

No matter how busy we get, we always find time to use it.

Our phones really gives us instant access to talk to people.

And yet, you're not the one being replied to.

You patiently wait hoping they respond to you.

They see your message.

The reply never arrives.

You don't want to send another message to remind them they didn't respond.

That's silly.

You'll sound desperate...

So you stop waiting.

It's clear that you're not a priority.

Don't waste your time for them if they're not going to do the same for you.

Zombies

It’s not often that I go to this type of events. But I went hesitantly just to be with a friend, but when I arrive there, I kind of regret it. Just seeing all these people smoking and drinking to have fun; I honestly do not vibe with that. I probably don’t understand, but I don’t wanna know either. It’s just mind blowing that most of these people have to rely on alcohol and weed to have fun.

With that mentality, I felt lonely despite being around people. Looking at them makes me feel like I don’t belong there. What was I doing there? Like I said, I just went there to be with a friend. Seeing all these people drinking countless cans of beer and the strong and disgusting smell of weed, they all look like zombies. What I find really bizarre is that many of them were doing awkward dance moves. It’s like if they are doing Fortnite emotes. I honestly never see myself doing that. Acting like an NPC.

The main reason why my friend invited me there in the first place was to meet up with different women and in hopes of making connections with them. I instantly knew I’m not gonna be making a connection with them. Or maybe because it’s my insecurity speaking. It feels like many of these women won’t be interested in someone like me. I don’t find what they’re doing is fun. I don’t smoke and I don’t drink but to them is what they need to have fun, but that is not fun to me. It also doesn’t help the fact that I am an introvert, so I really don’t like going to social gatherings, unless if I have a reason to be. I’d much rather be inside and play video games or just be in a quiet place.

In the end, it was not very satisfying at all. It actually made me feel more miserable if I’m being honest. It’s really not my type of activity. I knew I wasn’t gonna find her there, but at least I got out of my house for once. This experience only reminds me why I want to stay inside because it feels like it’s not worth going outside at all. It feels like a waste of time really. But I gotta try somehow, right?

I really need a new strategy...