I know I shouldn't be worried about it, but why do I worry about it? I feel silly by thinking about it all the time, but I can't help myself. My patience feels like it's running low. And everything that life has been throwing at me feels so unfair. It makes me mad, frustrated, and upset. Moments like that I want emotional support. But it's nothing to worry about, right?
I don't understand many things in life, as I was repeatedly told by someone who used to be special. But what I can understand is the unfairness life throws at me. Not giving me a fair chance to do my stuff, meeting people that all will do is hurt me, or tease me on things I'll never get, or never experience ever again. Meanwhile, others get that same thing I crave and they either take it for granted, or just don't understand the amazing thing they have. Sounds like jealousy, huh? Well, I am. Not of the people in the party, the things they have that I don't. They make it so easy to get, but for some reason for me, I can't even get it. It's... Unfair.
Finding that out then makes me feel like my patience is running low. I can't and don't want to wait much longer. How much do I have to tolerate this? Others seem they didn't have to wait much, so why do I have to wait that long? I get thoughts of just going for it and just say fuck it. Be a heartless jerk, and finally lose my virginity for once. But for some reason, I can't do that. It feels like a force that stops me from doing that. And I get a feeling that the wait will be worth it, and the reward will be something beyond my expectations. Is it true though? I do believe that, but for how long do I have to wait?
Will my patience be rewarded? Will I get my desires? My dream, uh... Partner? (I know, I know, I worry for stupid things.) What I'm craving so much right now is emotional support. A hug, or a cuddle. Even just words that makes me feel good. Genuine compliments, someone that believes in me. Someone to soothe me while I'm feeling like this. I'm very emotionally driven, and I hate it at times that I feel this way, but I can't do anything about it. Even though I understand my emotions and can somewhat control them, my emotions crave attention, affection, and... Love. I can't provide that to myself anymore. I'm losing energy to do this. I really pray for all this to end and I can find a balance to all this.
After saying all that, it feels like I'm asking for too much. My satisfaction is rarely met. I get the illusion that they will be taken care of only for me to get punched in the face and expect me to keep going on. And I have been doing so for many years. The last four years has by far been the worst my life has ever gotten. Yes, even during that relationship with my recent ex. Finding out it was all faked. I already discussed this in a previous entry, so read that.
So at the end, will all this be worth it? Will my patience last a little more? Will I get what I want and more as promised? How long will it last? Only God knows, so I'm left with staying faithful. Oh how much it hurts, but... I'll try to stay up for as long as I can, she hopefully I don't collapse completely.
