Rant Time!

You know, it's so wild to me that as soon as someone breaks up, they immediately get into another relationship

As if I wasn't their only option. They had a backup plan. 

Meanwhile I'd go years without one after a breakup. It really boggles my mind!

I don't know how to feel about that.

It's so fucking weird that every ex has told me that I better not cheat on them, or be

flirting with someone else.

But yet, they all leave me for another guy.

And I'm here alone in my room crying and playing video games every night when I'm alone.

I legitimately have no reason to be flirting with another person if I'm already dating

her.

I feel lucky to be with her. A rare opportunity to date someone. And she thinks that I'll trade her for someone else? Fuck no. I'd keep her till the very end! Why would I do something stupid like that?

But they won't do the same for me.

I understand that not every girl doesn't have to like me. That's fine if she was honest from the beginning.

It upsets me deeply that she shows interest in me, only for her to leave me for another guy some time after. Wasted my time, energy, money, and so much more.

A simple no would be enough. But nah, pretends to like me, and here I am being the dumbass that falls for it. Then she goes to a different guy.

Like okay, cool. You weren't interested in me the entire time? Alrighty, would've appreciated it more if you said so from the beginning.

I can't really blame them though. It's my fault for believing an unrealistic fantasy. Always think with my feelings rather than logically. It's a tendency that I always do, and did recently... Well, she already told me about it, but I chose to ignore it. I obviously got punished for it, and rightfully so.  

Bad Days

It's pretty rare that I get bad days. And when I do, it feels so heavy on my shoulders. Makes me feel physically tired. It makes me overthinking like crazy, probably even longer than when I overthink for other reasons. That gets mentally exhausted. And all that ends with me just feeling sad. I try to cry it out, but with little to no privacy, I'm forced to bottle up my emotions, making me feel emotionally drained. 

My emotional state can at times overpower me, and I react to my surroundings based on my mood when I'm at that state. Most of the time I come across as rude. I feel mostly frustration for the smallest things, but I really want to just rest and lay down. Someone to vent to at least, but instead I'm just documenting how I'm feeling.

I need to work more on my emotions. It's so hard to control them, wether I'm excited or upset. But feels like when I'm upset, I tend to lose control since I rarely get upset. I don't have the experience when it comes to being upset. So if I ever come across as rude to you, I really apologize. It's not you, it's me... Mostly my emotions. But it's still no excuse of me, and I'll be better next time. Just please bare with me when I'm feeling like I'm gonna burst into tears. Just hear me cry, even if you can't say much to my situation, your company is what I want right now.

But I'm just here alone, trying to cry silently and not wake anyone up. I pray to God that things will get better soon. And for me to grow with this XP. Hugging a body pillow isn't enough. 

Effort?

Maybe the things I'm doing is and will probably never be enough. That's okay though. It's an opportunity to do something else instead, yeah? What's the point anyway if my efforts won't be recognized and acknowledged? I should stop completely and see what happens. I'm just wasting my time and energy. I feel so overwhelmed for caring things that don't care how I'm feeling. 

Need more self love rather than getting someone else's love. God's love is all I need anyway, so what else can I ask more? I don't need a woman's affection... I don't. Not that nobody wanted my affection, then I'll just give it to myself. I don't need anybody but God, and myself. 

Sometimes I hate being emotional and letting my emotions ruin many nights for me. If I can't get the comfort, and attention I want, then I need to do that for myself. I need to stop hoping to get that from someone who I hope I can get a head rub, and to tell me things will get better. 

Well, note to self: things will get better. If she won't recognize your work, I will! I'm proud of you man, and God must be too. Keep it up, you don't need her attention. You can go on by yourself, just God's strength is needed to move on. 

... Yeah I'm just talking to myself, but if that's what I need to keep myself up, then so be it. 

City Lights

Just to type down what I'm feeling:

Seeing them make feel both happy and sad. Happy to see how pretty the city lights are at night. Happy to be able to see them as I listen to soft and bubbly music.

But sad that I'm not with anyone to share that moment. And let those intrusive thoughts get to me. Feels so lonely.

Having both feelings just feels like they clash, but they work so well together. It's both optimistic and gloomy. I pray to the Lord that everything can go out fine.

Not Even in a Multiverse.

Before I start, this entry will contain spoilers for Doctor Strange 2 (and other MCU movies and/or TV shows), so if you haven't seen it yet, go do it! Or if you don't care about spoilers, then read along. You have been warned.

     The idea of a multiverse has always intrigued me! As explained in Loki, there's a main timeline, but when we make a small change from that timeline, a new universe is created. That universe is now separate and the resulting actions are completely different. It got me thinking the possibilities of how things could turn out if something else happened instaed in life. Like what if I got a different car, or if I went to a different middle school. The possibilities are endless! And actually really fun to think about. But during the events of Doctor Strange 2, I saw something in him that I could relate to. Honestly made me cry. 

     In the first Doctor Strange, before he got his powers, he was dating this woman named Christine. Seeing them together just reminded me of something IRL that has similarities with a previous relationship I had. Though Strange was really arrogant, and often a smartass, he had genuine care for Christine, even though he didn't like to admit that. After the car accident that destroyed his hand's nerves, his career as a surgeon basically ended, and pushed everything way from him, including Christine. Fast forward, he gets his powers, and gets a small tatse of the multiverse with Spider Man years later. In No Way Home, we see alternate versions of Spider Man, but all with similar beginnings and motivations. But all have slight differences. That got me thinking and wanted to explore more...

     In episode 4 of What If, we see an alternate event for Doctor Strange where he didn't get his hands destroyed, but his heart instead. No, not the actual heart, but a person he cares about. Yes, Christine. In that alternate universe, Strange takes her in the same car he would get into the accident in. The accident happens just like in the original timeline, but this time, Christine dies. Strange being so hurt, he still gets his powers, but the motivations is to bring her back to life. Once he masters the Mystic Arts, he tries to go back in time from the moment of the accident with hope to prevent Chrstine's death. Unfortunately, his plan failed and she ends up getting killed. Strange tries again, altering other small events that could prevent her death. But no matter how many times he tried, every possible solution, all ends up killing Christine. Why can't he be with her? Later on it is revealed that her death is an Absolute Point in that universe's timeline. Meaning that her death must happen in order to keep the universe in check. Altering an Absolute Point can cause that universe's reality to collapse. Strange refusing to accept that, he successfully alters the Absolute Point, but causes reality to collapse as warned. Yes, Strange finally prevented Christine's death, but reality is getting destroyed, eventually destroying her. So was it really all worth it? 

    Back to the main timeline, in the beginning of Doctor Strange 2, he attends a wedding. Who's wedding? Christine's. We see in the movie how much it actually hurts him. Seeing the woman you still love, still hoping there may be a chance to make it work out, just not end up happening. Christine herself already made up her mind and has no intentions to go back with Strange. Felling upset, he still fends off foes and helping people. When he meets America Chavez, she has the ability to travel the multiverse. After Strange and Chavez get nearly killed by the Scarlett Witch, Chavez accientally opens a portal to an alternate universe, where both Strange and Chavez can escape. We see in that timeline, it's very different. But one thing that has not changed at all, is that universe's Strange and Christine didn't work out. Why? Same as the main timeline. When main Strange and alternate Christine meet, she automatically bursts his bubble of having to date an alternate version of her. Later on the film, Strange gets sent to another universe, and guess what? Him and Christine aren't a thing either! Really unfortunate...

    So after seeing all that, it makes me think, no matter what alternate timeline happens, for Strange, he can never seem to be with Christine. Because either of his arrogance, or she ends up getting killed. That got me thinking of me and this one girl I thought I end up dating, never ended up happening. And after seeing Strange ging to multiple universes and timelines, him and Christine were just never meant to be, just like me and the girl I onced loved. I really felt Strange's pain not being able to be with the woman he wants. And I cried at the movies of course, even though Doctor Strange 2 is an action movie, lol. 

     A question that was asked in the movie is: are you happy? A simple question, but with a complex answer. At first, it doesn't seem like that I'm happy because I'm still upset that I couldn't make this girl mine. But after going through other adventures, events, and getting new experience and knowledge, and with so many emotional hurdles, I've come to terms that yes, I am happy. I already accept the fact that me and her may never be a thing, but at least remaining friends with her is probably for the better. (And to prevent from the universe gettig destroyed!) Maybe God has something better in store for me. Hopefully a new lover I can call her mine for once in my life. I'm also grateful with everything I have in life. Friends and family that care for me, getting the latest games, and of course, my relationship with God is improving, no longer feeling lonely. Not everything is about romantic love. Enjoying life as is without a partner is good before you engange in a romantic relationship. Just like at the end of Doctor Strange 2, life can continue as normal, with new advetures, new friends, all await in the not so distant future.