Prehaps it was too good to be true.
When I first met her, I thought she was amazing, a friend I can vent out to, being myself, honest, and overall comfortable. While she was initially just there for support after my first ex broke up with me, she comforted me, assured me that things will get better. It was really sweet of her. Our friendship will flourish after knowing each other more. I opened up myself to her besides being the boy from crying from an ex, to being able to be a close friend.
The fact that she loves to play video games, talk about them. And also having interest in anime, I had a liking towards her. The cherry on top is that she is a believer of Jesus Christ. Would put God first, and was saving sex for marrige. I was absolutley astonished by it because I was (and still am) doing the same thing! But that was all just surface level, she was also brave, open minded, had lots of creativity, a passion for art, and overall easygoing, and friendly. The more I thought of her, the more I realized, she could've been the one!
She told me that I was also similar to what she wanted in a man, but I found it baffling because I couldn't believe it myself. She made me feel... Good. For the first time in my life, she made me feel strong, desireable, a level of excitement I never felt! Like if it was more exciting than the release of a new Smash Brothers game! It was a rush of adrenaline knowing that a crush liked me back. Not just an ordinary crush, dare I say, the woman of my dreams! It felt so magical, like almost fantasy-like!... But...
All that crashed and burned after she told me that she was going back with her ex. That I wasn't like him, she said. Knowing her ex, he is abusive, didn't treat her right, and would do the worst things to her. I didn't do anything to convince her to not. But instead, I acted so immature, and spread gossip of her. Looking back at my actions, I truly feel ashamed. But it happened. The level of jealousy I never felt. It felt unfair, felt weak, undesired, and was very mad, all the same time. But my feelings is no excuse of my actions, but I acted accordinglt to my feelings. That's a lesson I had to learn hard.
Three years later, she reached out to me after a breakup with an ex of mine at the time. I found it strange because why would she reach out to me after what she's done? But I responded, and apologized for what I did. We then talked four hours, and caught up with each other in life. That's how I found out she didn't wait for marrige. I wanted to throw up. But little did I know, that was the beginning of my views for her changes for the worse, but most importantly, how I should've respected myself.
The more I was talking to her, the harder began to fall fer her again, and that was unhealthy of me. But I ignored the red flags she was displaying. She was... ugh.
She was:
-Hypocritical
She would always complain about how men are garbage and all that shit, yet she slept with those type of men she rants about, now being pregnant. Definition of the more you fuck around, the more you'll find out. Literally and figuratively.
-Narcissistic
Always being so self centered, and claimed to hate attention, yet she would always start unnecessary drama. Always about herself.
-Abusive
She abused one of the many guys she slept with for attention, and as revenge. To which I was part of, but only because I had the unhealthy obssesion of her.
-Manipulative
Same with her past lover, she would also convince him to do things he didn't want, only benefiting her.
The most disgusting thing of her is that she no longer is the woman I fell in love at the beginning. She no longer loves God, she slept with every guy she went with, and turned like her first abusive partner. She is long gone, and no way in hell she's coming back.
After realizing all that, it was my wakeup call. She has turned for the worse, and I shouldn't waste my energy on her. She don't desrve my tears, my mental energy, and my overall emotional state. Losing myself would be the worst outcome.
So I was correct, she was too good to be true. around her, I felt so many negative things about myself, and that's my fault for trying to be part of her life again. On top of what my ex said about me, doesn't help at all. So much I need to do to love myself again. I just... *sigh*
