Type?

I’ll write what has been bugging me for years. Low-key what I’ve been told makes me mad, and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m stupid as usual.

Sometime after I got dumped, she supposedly apologizes to me. Nothing wrong though, right? I thought it was just going to be that. But nah, something she said left me baffled. I didn’t know how to respond.

She told me that I’ll be someone’s “type.” That my “type” will eventually become popular… What does that even mean? Popular like if I’m going to be some kind of fad? Am I not going to be liked for who I am? What was I to her then? If I wasn’t her “type” to begin with, what was she doing with me giving me false hope?

That left me so confused of who I am. What ‘type” am I? Am I anyone’s “type?” I still don’t know what “type” I am, but I’ve been told by friends that I’m the “shy nerdy” type. Who knows. It’s hard to confirm after many years not knowing what “type” am I.

Dang…

Doing the usual routine that I do, I run into an old friend of mine. They asked me if I still cried for her. I told them no, even though I will admit... I do want to at times. 💀😭

Then they tell me to not worry about it. Everybody has been in it. 

Took me a while what they meant by that. ☠️

Care

     I tend to care the very small things that may seem insignificant. I make it a big deal, and I know that often doesn't help. Especially if it drags me down emotionally. So why I keep worrying about it? 

     I... Do not know. It does make me upset. Knowing that something you don't like is the reality. No amount of crying and worrying will ever change that. Even if you give your reasoning, most likely they won't care. That's what bothers me.

     I don't need other's approval, but my dumb mind for some reason wants validation. I want my frustrations to be heard. But at the same time, what is the point if nobody will care? Especially from specific people.

     I want not just validation, just closure in general. Why things had to happen that way. To explain how it makes me feel sad, how it makes me feel scared, how it makes me feel upset, how it makes me feel... Undervalued.

     In the end, it doesn't matter. They don't care. They are not interested what I think. They don't want to know how I'm feeling. They never did. And that's a fact that I cannot get over. Especially from people that I still somewhat care about. But they don't feel the same for me. 

     It's okay. It's not their job. It's not their business. It's not their concern. Me making it a big deal for no reason is my fault. I am pretty stupid for having those thoughts anyway. So it's on me, not them. 

    I can only fix this myself, not them. They never cared, so why should I? It deosn't change the fact that it still hurts... But who cares, right?

Metapod, use Harden

I don't want the thought that I made a mistake.
It's my battle anyway... She never cared And suddenly she shows up? Nah dude. Go away.
The whole time I've been fighting myself and she wants to "help" or probably nag at me for what l've been saying about her.
Yeah, I may have said harsh things, l've been reacting without thinking.
And I'm sorry that I talked bad. And I'm a fucking hypocrite because I go to church and pretend to be a good Christian boy. But behind the scenes I'm a big judgmental asshole.
And that's the issue. I'm my worst enemy.
All the things that l've said about her was out of jealousy.
Feeling angry and sad at the same time and I didn't know how to cope the fact that I lost what I thought was the girl of my dreams.

This isn't a healthy jealousy, dude. I'm seeing that.
I admit that I'm still jealous.
I need to swallow my own pride and face the truth. She was never meant to be mine. I need to let go of that idea.
But it's ridiculous that I'm still not over it despite that it happened a little over seven years ago.
That's why I don't want to talk to her. It's my battle. She showed me from the beginning she never cared.
So I'm doing exactly that. None of her business to know what I'm doing. I'll eventually end this fight with myself somehow...

And hopefully move on for once in my life.
Crying almost every night for her, and for what? Seeing myself turn into someone that I swore l'd never become?
I don't want to be that. I'm truly sorry. I want to be left alone, but at the same time I don't. If that makes any sense.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

I did the complete opposite of that.

I was not patient. I was not kind. I was envious, and boasted about it. I was proud. I dishonored her. I was seeking for myself. I was easily angered. I kept records of her wrongs.

I need to follow my own example, and I failed at it miserably. I'm sorry for my hypocrisy.
I promise I'll learn from this and be a better person.
I see why I never deserved her. I wasn't ready this whole time. I'm still immature. Dumb. No idea how to control my emotions. If you want to do something, just pray. Or don't. I must learn to rely on God. It's my battle after all.

I use this website to document my feelings and share it in hopes of talking to someone about it. And at the same time trying to learn about myself and have a better understanding of my own emotions. I'm hoping I'm achieving it. I want to grow as a person. Be ready for God and prepare the blessings he has for me.

Truly I'm sorry. But I want to be left alone with me, myself, God, and I.

Forget

I try to get myself distracted with other things to forget her. Lately I've been trying to focus more on improving the church, playing lots of Fortnite, and practicing bass again!

But dude... Out of nowhere I hear information about her... And I'm like bruh. 

I'm noticing I do have an audience, and thank you. But at times, please don't tell me what she up to. I don't wanna know because it gets me emotional. For their privacy, I'm not revealing my sources, but the thing is, I don't even ask. The info gets to me. 💀

I'm trying to forget, (or at least not think about it as much as I'm doing lol) not to catch up like if it was a novela. 😭

It's nice to have connections, but there are times that I wish info doesn't get spread too quickly. 😅

Though, I know you read this. Please be careful who you tell, because my connections is bigger than what I thought. 😔