Lessons

Lessons are needed in life, wether we like it or not. And when we being thought, sometimes it's not easy to admit your own fault. They're an amazing way to get better as a person after what you did. Can be a harmless mistake by accident, or a cruel action knowing the consequences. Whatever the case may be, they're here to stay in life. Up to you really if you want to admit your faults and learn the lesson, or ignore it and continue doing what you're doing. 

What I did with the past entry was very foolish of me. Probably not the best way to handle it, but I admit my mistakes. I'm not gonna delete the last entry either as a way to remind myself not to do ever again. So go ahead and make fun of me all you want. (You know who you are)

Normally with careless and selfish actions, it can ruin many things. Thank God we managed to find a solution and grow from it. I now saw the mistakes I did and will own up to it instead of being the victim. I definitely learn my lesson and will chose to be a better person. 

And as for them? I wish them luck and will have my full support! 

Unsure

Being unsure is a conflict because I don't know what to do or think. Mainly because I'm more concerned about my current emotions because make me look like a fool and maybe ruin stuff. I hate having those thoughts and need a way to vent this out... So I got this blog. As I vent, you guys be the judge and wether or not what I'm doing is okay. This is really strange and never thought it was gonna happen. 

I previously mentioned on a past entry about getting together with an old friend. In the past, I had a crush on her and almost dated. Some unfortunate things happened and never worked out. Like a song one of my friends sent me, "Right place, wrong time." That's what the lyrics said. Hoo boy, how I didn't know how true that is. When we became friends again, I thought I was gonna remain friends with her and nothing more. But then I just look at her personality, her way of thinking, her beliefs, and even her looks... I... Got a crush on her again. Forget what happened in the past, this is a new leaf! 

Dear reader, you must be asking, "Why would you have a crush on someone that didn't work out before? And aren't you fresh out of a relationship?" Good questions. That I have many things to say. Yes, I am out of a relationship, but I'm not as hung over as I used to be in past relationships because that relationship was just a mere lesson and a way for me to realize it wasn't what I wanted. So I got over the relationship failrly quickly. To answer the first question, hear me out. 

I always had the concept of my dream girl. She is based off of three fictional characters: Rosalina from the Super Mario games, the titular protagonist Bayonetta, and Rise Kujikawa from Persona 4. All three of them have unique persoanlity traits that I find attraction. For Rosalina, I like the role of her mother figure and shows how much love she has for the Lumas and takes care of them. For Bayonetta, I like her ruthless persoanlity and how much of a jerk she can be, but doesn't always mean it and does care, even if she doesn't show it. Finally, Rise. She has a passion for the person she loves and would do anything to be with him. She also has an amazing taste in fashion, so she looks pretty all the time! Now dear reader, you now be asking, "Okay, what does this have to do with your situation?" And to that, I will say, my crush has almost all characteristics I've mentined from my fictional crushes. 

My crush is the living encarnation of my dream girl and I can't help myself but to crush!! And to make things crazy, she has a crush on someone else, and that is another friend of mine. I have nothing against him! He's a very chill guy! But dammit, I don't wanna create drama or ruin friendships, so this is a really tough situation. Should I compete with him, or should I let them go on their own? He's a good friend, I don't wanna lose that, but at the same time, I don't wanna pass on the opportunity to date my dream girl. In a way, I'm jealous of him. I try not to compare myself to him, or have any bad things against him, so even if I don't end up with her, I can still be happy for them. Obviously it'll suck for me. No matter the outcome, I'm just scared of losing someone. So I must take this easy and pray to God about it. But what do y'all think? Should I or not? I'll be open for questions and other things either in the comments, or on Facebook. My DMs are also open to anyone!

Desires and Distractions

Wanting something so badly, is something I go through many times. Wanting to play a new game that's not out yet, or craving a food that you eanna try out, or eat again for the first time in a while. But one thing I'm desiring more at the moment is... A romantic relationship. Now I know you might be saying, "Bruh, already!? But you just got out of one!" And to that, I say, yes. Already. Crazy, huh? Is it something bad? I don't know. You be the judge of that. Open for audience interpretation. 

As much I really want one right now, (and crazy that so soon) my desires right now is... a distraction. A distraction from what God has to say to me. And it's been something I've been avoiding because I want to escape the harsh reality. Reality sucks monkey butt, so I tend to be more future oriented, and to analyze the past. Hardly focused on the present. And it was a trait since childhood. Family always telling me I live in my own world. And I do. A world that I created specifically desined for my own needs and desires. But you know what? It's foolish of me. And it's amazing how God works things out.

I was given an opportunity to become friends again with an old high school classmate. We cought up in life and understood each other again like old times. I find it amazing that we get what we need to hear from people we least expected. In my case, through that renewed friend. God will use anyone to get his point across. And I believe he used that friend to deliver me a message. It was harsh, I'll admit that. But I'm greatful because I wouldn't have this realization. I'm still mind blown by it, but I can worry less now. 

I am so worried about a thing I don't have and desire and ignoring what I have right now. I am so foolish not to see that. And I need to really trust God in this. Jeremiah 29:11 states, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That's something I also desire. A hopeful future. A promise that may not happen overnight, but in due time. I've waited quite long enough, so I know for a fact I have patience (for the most part) but what I need more is strength to maintain that patience and to refine it. I worry about an event that most likely won't happen, so I'm wasting my time instaed of focusing on the present right now. In other words, I'm distracted. Distracted from my future that God has ready for me. 

As much as it pains me to change this habbit of mine, (and I hate changes in general) but if it's God telling me to do so, then I'll do it. It's painful, hard, and takes a lot of guts. But in the end, it'll be worth it. How do I know? I have faith. Faith is something you don't see, but you hope it'll happen. And I hope that I'll be in a good future one day. But for now, I should appreciate things that I have right now. Family, friends, work, lots of video games to play. And most importantly, God and his promises. Like I said, it may not happen overnight, but I know it'll come to past. I just know! No matter how rough the road is, He's with me in every step I take.

Happy

Happiness is subjective. People get happy for different reasons. Alone, with a friend, or romantic partner. It's all different to everyone. One thing may be happy for one person, but it's boring or sad to the other. 

But what about seeing the other person you used to care for being much happier without you? In my case, yes, it hurts. A lot, actually. Just seeing the person getting into the things you like without you is truly painful. But you know what? I'm glad that the person is having fun. Finally get to see the amazing world of video games that's not the latest Call of Duty or Madden. Yeah, it sucks without me, but I'll move on to new (new as in new game genres) things and explore more about myself. And that makes me happy already. I'm finally seeing God's work in action and I'm much more happier than usual. I gotta continue this for years to come though, with or without a romantic partner. 

Sure, I get my occasional sad moments, but one can't be happy without being sad first. I think I found my way to express my sadness without having to text and annoy people. I know I said this multiple times, but I'm gonna be writting more in my blog more often now. Not everyday, just a way to record my current emotions, thoughts, and other random stuff. 

Anyways, I wish I could one day share my hobbies with a new significant other. I ask the bare minimun for a relationship. But that's a differnt for another day. 

Insomnia

I haven't been sleeping as early as I used to. So many things goes through my mind almost 24/7. Ever since that day, things changed so much so suddenly. And even at times, I don't know how to express that or explain to close people. It feels like I lost something, but at the same time gained something else. I know what I lost, but no idea what I gained, and since I don't know that, I'm thinking more what I lost. The feeling of losing hope in something about myself. 

I try to seem to look okay, when in reality, I'm not. But I don't tell to many because I don't wanna worry others. Besides, I worry for ridiculous things. People out there suffer through worse things than me, so my needs aren't as needed as those. But still, I just want... Attention. Even though I don't like to get too much attention, I just want to be noticed. I wanna be appreciated for who I am and support me during this change in my life that I got used to for 305 days. (Not even a year, haha) I know I need to fix myself more and more. And I try. May not be for the person I cared anymore, so I'm doing it for myself, in hoping of someone to notice me... And to be appreciated. 

But first, I need to appreciate myself before others can. Easier said than done. I still can't forgive myself from what I did. I fear that it'll never happen, fear that I won't get another chance to shine because of my lack of confidence in myself. I pray to God every day since that day, to help me change physically and mentally. I know I can't do this alone and I depend on God for help. But I too want someone to watch me grow and become better. I don't wanna be alone... I want someone to understand me without judging me.